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Vampire candidate arrested
UPI | Submitted by: melvin69
"Self-described vampire and Minnesota gubernatorial candidate Jonathan The Impaler Sharkey has been arrested on Indiana charges of stalking and escape."
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From: crawlspace [crawlspace]
Date: 31-Jan-2006 17:21
he is also accused of robbing a blood bank. har har harrrr...
From: crawlspace [crawlspace]
Date: 31-Jan-2006 17:26
fangs, canada girl. fangs very much.
From: azdollarbill [Jim Jones]
Date: 31-Jan-2006 18:34
Well, it could have been worse. The good people in Minnie could have elected him.
From: guntotingliberal [GunTotingLiberal]
Date: 31-Jan-2006 18:38
I always knew those politicians were bloodsuckers...ok no more puns, I won't deal out any more punishment. Ok, that wasn't very punny either.
From: zebrabob [zebrabobsgotabigone]
Date: 31-Jan-2006 19:05
well, he was partially right, with him locked up the people in minnesota will certainly be living at least a bit freer of fear. (freer?...) ...and I was so looking forward to his public executions via impalement too!
From: zonker [Odin's Revenge]
Date: 31-Jan-2006 19:43
Hmmm. I bet he's in cahoots with those darned turks...
From: frankrizzo
[Frank Rizzo]
Date: 31-Jan-2006 20:27
Anybody else sick of adults playing vampire? Enough of this shit. Who're you kidding with this pretentious nonsense? It makes about as much sense as going about your day dressed up as a pirate, a cowboy, a spaceman, Snoop Dogg or some other spooky, fictional halloween character. So, please, unless your job is being an understudy for one of the Village People, or it happens to be late October, Knock it the fuck off!
From: jellyfishattack
Date: 31-Jan-2006 21:57
Vampires, Witches and Pagans Party - membership of one? Being arrested isn't all bad, he can finally spend the time he needs to power up or whatever the hell RPGers do. We had a schmuck candidate for mayor years ago. On election day he chained himself to a toilet somewhere, god knows why. It wasn't exactly a landslide win for Tooker Gomberg. He ended up killing himself. Too bad, who knows what he'd have done to top the toilet stunt.
From: lordpakul [Lord Pakul]
Date: 31-Jan-2006 22:04
Jonathan 'The Impaler' Sharkey --   
From: creepyguy [in the shadows]
Date: 1-Feb-2006 03:26
Heres the fearless one stumping for vampires everywhere(or the Minnesota area atleast)  Will working during normal business hours(when the sun is up)have any impact on his governing?I would like it if a governor can show up for those photo ops with roadcrews holding a shovel like hes about to fix the road.I don't think it would have the same 'oomph' if it was night.
From: parasite6163 [peter fine]
Date: 1-Feb-2006 04:56
Damn, I hope this doesn't ruin his chances for election. This guy has all the right plans to rid this planet of scum and his techniques are just so video tape worthy.
From: theodread
[{One More Time}]
Date: 1-Feb-2006 06:01
Suck it up Sharky, you can get past this little pain in the neck. I am sure you will have no trouble obtaining a good Lawyer. Most Lawyers would surely take the case pro bono out of professional courtesy. I hope you are comfortable as a guest of the state. BTW, did you get a red or a white blood cell? I told you chasing after the cute ghoul next door was trouble. I told you your love was in vein. Truly, it is with biting sarcasm that I say that this whole campaign has been draining. Grow up buddy. You are getting a little long in the tooth to be acting so batty.
From: zonker [Odin's Revenge]
Date: 1-Feb-2006 06:38
"Anybody else sick of adults playing vampire? Enough of this shit. Who're you kidding with this pretentious nonsense? It makes about as much sense as going about your day dressed up as a pirate, a cowboy, a spaceman, Snoop Dogg or some other spooky, fictional halloween character." Now, see, I am a person who realizes that everyone, everywhere puts on a costume every morning. Every piece of clothing, every style is just as ridiculous as any other. I try to point this out to people when I'm not at work by how I dress.. Boxers over patched cords... Harris Tweed sportcoat with wetsuit.. Slacks and tie-dye. Also, I note our vampiric candidate is wearing a $20 tapestry I have. How... Cliche? He almost looks like he can't afford to costume himself properly.. But god knows, I spend too much on costumes.. Between the Anglo-Viking, which I have thousands of dollars into, and the musketeer/renaisance, and the 1840's appalachian blacksmith... What this guy needs to do, is make a part of his platform 'carrying sharpened blades over 2' long should be legal.' Hell, I'd move there just to vote for him. And, really, people, is a perfectly obvious sword that much of a weapon to carry? Try concealing it. Now, compare to a perfectly legal chain belt, with a padlock for a buckle; the chain is legal, but more deadly. Go figure! And how about 'discrimination based on clothing is the same as based on race, sexual orientation, political party, mental disorder, etc.' Now THAT would be supporting liberty and equality.. Kinda help to erase some 'cultural' discrimination.. Or subcultural, for you nitpickers out there.
From: rochellerochelle [spanky is my fish]
Date: 1-Feb-2006 07:20
Zonker, I sooo want you to come to my next party... 
From: evildave82
[the middle finger of fate]
Date: 1-Feb-2006 07:31
"From: theodread [{One More Time}] Date: 1-Feb-2006 06:01 Suck it up Sharky, you can get past this little pain in the neck. I am sure you will have no trouble obtaining a good Lawyer. Most Lawyers would surely take the case pro bono out of professional courtesy. I hope you are comfortable as a guest of the state. BTW, did you get a red or a white blood cell? I told you chasing after the cute ghoul next door was trouble. I told you your love was in vein. Truly, it is with biting sarcasm that I say that this whole campaign has been draining. Grow up buddy. You are getting a little long in the tooth to be acting so batty." Sorry sir, there's a two pun limit; I'm going to have to write you a ticket.
From: zonker [Odin's Revenge]
Date: 1-Feb-2006 07:54
Rochelle: "Zonker, I sooo want you to come to my next party..." If it's vaguely in the North/East of the USA/canada, maybe that could be arranged.. Hehe, I haven't been to a 'real' party for years.. Then again, I've been trying to avoid circumstances in which I may be arrested.. Somehow, 'real' parties and nonincarceration seem to be mutually exclusive. All that being said, I just dropped my thinkpad into my 12-pack. Uh, sorry... I feel lost now.. Right! Style and costumes; that's the ticket.. Well, I used to get my pic taken by the campus newspaper fairly regularly for their 'style on the campus' section. Used to drive me nuts when I'd see someone else copying what I was doing, until I had quit doing it - now, I'm proud. Try a jewish yamica, abercrombie & fitch sweatshirt, army pants and combat boots. Somehow, I think I had a weird necklace for that one, too. Fake pearls? Don't recall. (That's one of the things that I like about Burlington - nobody gives me a hard time. That makes me think I'm not noticed / appreciated, so it's one of the things I hate, too. I like to tell people who call me a freak that "it's a free country. Love it, or leave it." Also a favorite for fundie christian types who think that I'd rather leave than have them do so. Really, it would be much more convenient for me for them to leave, and me to stay, I swear. Now, I'm definitely rambling. I'll go back to my beer & Latin translating, I guess.
From: gargoyle1
Date: 1-Feb-2006 08:27
From: smokey [krispy] Date: 1-Feb-2006 08:15 lets see if that steak through the heart thing really works? ---------- It's stake not steak, who would want to waste a good porterhouse on a fucktard vampire?
From: melvin69
[John Bong]
Date: 1-Feb-2006 09:01
<I>What this guy needs to do, is make a part of his platform 'carrying sharpened blades over 2' long should be legal.' Hell, I'd move there just to vote for him. And, really, people, is a perfectly obvious sword that much of a weapon to carry? Try concealing it. Now, compare to a perfectly legal chain belt, with a padlock for a buckle; the chain is legal, but more deadly. Go figure! </I> I remember a video I saw, forget if it was on the internet or Spike TV, of a group of police trying to disarm a man with a sword. It had about a dozen or more cops dressed up in riot gear and 1 man with a sword dress in something I forget. I can't remember if he was going medeval knight or Braveheart style with the blue face paint. Anyway, it took a long time for them to take him down as he dodged the tear gas and tasers. I guess none of the cops wanted to charge him with their shields. I mean, a few guys with riot shields should have been able to disarm him easily.
From: brainspore [Brainspore]
Date: 1-Feb-2006 09:10
<i>I remember a video I saw, forget if it was on the internet or Spike TV, of a group of police trying to disarm a man with a sword. It had about a dozen or more cops dressed up in riot gear and 1 man with a sword dress in something I forget. I can't remember if he was going medeval knight or Braveheart style with the blue face paint. Anyway, it took a long time for them to take him down as he dodged the tear gas and tasers. I guess none of the cops wanted to charge him with their shields. I mean, a few guys with riot shields should have been able to disarm him easily.</i> Somehow I doubt that standard officer training covers how to disarm a maniac with a sword. Obviously they couldn't shoot him as he didn't pose an immediate threat from a safe distance, but the knife-grabbing holds probably wouldn't be appropriate either. I'd probably try the tear gas first too.
From: teratomarty
[Self-made man]
Date: 1-Feb-2006 09:18
<i>lets see if that steak through the heart thing really works?</i> The convenient thing about a stake through the heart is that it works on normal people, too. Giving steak to vampires only encourages them. Give the steak to werewolves instead.
From: wiegehtesdir [Jimmy Jingo]
Date: 1-Feb-2006 09:54
The charges of stalking have to be false. Most of Indiana has been cleared of human life since all the factories closed up and moved to Mexico. There's no one to stalk, except corn stalks! As a final thought...Why are so many Mexicans coming to Indiana? To avoid work in their own country?
From: darkshadow [Dahhkness]
Date: 1-Feb-2006 12:57
"Why are so many Mexicans coming to Indiana? To avoid work in their own country?" No, to do the work the white folk in Indiana refuse to do!
From: chinchillazilla [Chinchillazilla]
Date: 1-Feb-2006 13:43
Heh, I emailed him after the first article was on Rotten and asked if he had anything against werewolves, since they weren't mentioned on his website. I mean, I'm not going to vote for him if he leads us into another war (although a vampire/werewolf war would probably be way, way cooler than Iraq). He emailed me back saying no, he loved werewolves too. I'm actually disappointed. Sure, he's crazy, but I get the impression that if more politicians publicly impaled people to get their frustrations out, the country'd run better.
From: jetboi
[jetto boi]
Date: 1-Feb-2006 14:10
The hilarity of the article has been amply covered by other people already, puns and all. Zonker, I think of you looking like the Zonker you're probably named for, in Doonesbury. You should come to my parties, too -- but I guess I'll have to wait till I get back to New England because right now I'm approximately 3,000 miles away from you.
From: engelraven [engelraven]
Date: 2-Feb-2006 02:15
We all knew that politicians were bloodsuckers in the first place.
From: iguanac64 [Itchy Carter]
Date: 2-Feb-2006 17:02
Curious if these are real charges or not..."the beauracracy" isn't known for it's excellent bookkeeping (like some acqaintances who had a gun shoved in their face by the FBI...FBI was there looking for a relative who'd been in jail for 4 months...). I'll put on my tinfoil hat for a moment and actually believe there are "Christians" out there who might actually lie to fight this guy (*gasp*)...at least if all the bullshit "Christian" themed false emails about Proctor and Gamble & the ACLU are any indication. Sure would have liked more info about the actual charges. Looks like his wife has already been fired from her job for being a witch... http://www.boingboing.net/2006/01/29/wife_of_mn_satanic_g.html Note the link to images on the Jonathanforgovernor website...just browsing through them myself.
From: zdrache [*Hisssss*]
Date: 2-Dec-2006 15:07
See, Marilyn Manson isn't brainwashing just teenagers into awful unholy Satanic acts, even adults are getting a peice of the action.
Updated: 2-Dec-2006 15:07
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