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Beware of Dolphins
London Observer | Submitted by: greggieFEN
"It may be the oddest tale to emerge from the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina. Armed dolphins, trained by the US military to shoot terrorists and pinpoint spies underwater, may be missing in the Gulf of Mexico. Experts who have studied the US navy's cetacean training exercises claim the 36 mammals could be carrying 'toxic dart' guns. Divers and surfers risk attack, they claim, from a species considered to be among the planet's smartest."
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From: boredartist [Rob Johnson]
Date: 26-Sep-2005 04:21
Can you just punch em in the mouth like Australian sharks?And I said I want sharks with friggin' laser beams on their head,not dolphins with toxic darts!
From: retardedmonkey
[ISeeYouWhenYouSleep]
Date: 26-Sep-2005 04:25
Nothing like a little paranoia mixed with the infamous -so famous it's in famous- "information for sources close to...". Yes they are smart and yes they are mean but I don't really see the point in toxic dart gun technology, they have a much more powerful weapon against humans: Gang Rape. Do a little reading on dolphins and their lust for sex, I would not want to be on the recieving end of them. And furtermore, why would you keep your dolphins all dressed in their toxic dart gun finery, you know just laying around what amounts to the house. When I am done walking the dog I take the leash off, she dosen't run around the house with it on.
From: emperorwang
[Emperor Wang]
Date: 26-Sep-2005 04:26
For fuck's sake, is it not enough to train our own species to be murderous instruments of pointless ideology? Can dolphins even comprehend the concept of holy war anyway? And what's next, teaching cats ninjitsu? Wait... now that's an idea! I'll bet that these creatures have just been trained to dart anyone not of the pasty cracker persuasion anyway... because I seriously doubt that dolphins have some super terrorist sonar. And what's with this "could be" carrying toxic guns shit? Did the dolphins just pick up a couple of dart guns that were lying around? Did they raid the arms locker in a drunken rage? And why in the hell are these people considered experts when they can't even say for certain if a dolphin is carrying around a lethal weapon? All that's left to do at this point is wait for Mr. Heston to dust off that 2nd Amendment... which seems to have become to Americans what Nietzsche was to the Nazis. Dart guns don't kill people... dolphin safe cans of tuna kill people.
From: realitycheck [GF]
Date: 26-Sep-2005 04:46
or what happens if aliens abduct the divers
From: y0mama [Your Mom]
Date: 26-Sep-2005 05:06
So long, and thanks for all the fish.
From: donkeyhotey [sir vantes]
Date: 26-Sep-2005 05:07
retardedmonkey sez: "When I am done walking the dog I take the leash off, she dosen't run around the house with it on." Well, when I'm done walking my dog the leash comes off, too. But the toxic dart gun stays ON. Haven't had any Jehovah's Witnesses knocking on the door in a long, long time.
From: rexnecros [Alex]
Date: 26-Sep-2005 05:20
Rolf, i bet those dolphins are smarter than anyone here at rotten....
From: krazymissi [krazy missi]
Date: 26-Sep-2005 05:40
ROFLMAO.That is such a cool mental picture.Wonder if dolphins are what really killed the "diver found in a tree"?
From: tsentsen [tsentsen]
Date: 26-Sep-2005 05:50
Oh man...do I feel like a dumbass. I just submitted this same story to the editor befor I looked here. This is SO wrong. Ultimately heinous. I can't even think of anything funny to say. Except that if the toxin makes you fall asleep, did they train the dolphin to babysit whomever gets nailed so they don't drown?
From: fuckthejews [NYC party]
Date: 26-Sep-2005 06:14
American Army/navy/whatever=tards
From: usmcgrunt
[Iraq Vet 91]
Date: 26-Sep-2005 06:44
Toxic dart guns, eh? And just exactly how does Flipper fire off one of those things? With his opposable penis? Or maybe with his laboratory enhanced psionic power?
From: totenhawk [Totenhawk]
Date: 26-Sep-2005 06:49
Bee Love Paaaaa, Bee love Maaaaa , Bee have darts , Fha have Darts , Bee go now , Fha go now ,
From: lollercaust [Lollercaust]
Date: 26-Sep-2005 07:17
Well there were military dolphins on Red Alert 2, so it Must be true
From: richardcranium1 [Ben Dover]
Date: 26-Sep-2005 07:51
they call him flipper...flipper...flipper faster than lightening... noone you see...will blow up like he and you know flipper..lives in a world full of wonder... waiting to blow up.. and spew all over the sea
From: k01
[Koichi]
Date: 26-Sep-2005 08:16
You can have my dart gun when you pry it from my cold, dead flippers! Here's your tax dollars at work.
From: simonjester [Bill Vojtech]
Date: 26-Sep-2005 08:23
Why not eqip them with gps locators and a pack of C4 with a remote detenator? Then you can blow them up if they run away. Teach those ungrateful bastard dolphins.
From: mrgrenre [Mr. Gren're]
Date: 26-Sep-2005 08:27
this is the most hilarious and bizarre news story i have ever read
From: ecthelion [King, 15x15 space aka dorm room]
Date: 26-Sep-2005 08:39
I have a hard time believing this is real. Well, at least the next time we see some random dead person show up on the beach with a dart in his/her leg, we'll know what happened.
From: cakefart [Go Shit Yourself]
Date: 26-Sep-2005 08:50
This is news to anyone? The USN has been using Dolphins since the Vietnam war, for everything from ASW to Demolition.
From: blissfulgirl
[~^-^~]
Date: 26-Sep-2005 09:14
Fear mongering at its finest! The dolphin program has been around for years, it's no secret. And, as weird up as it is to use dolphins this way (it gives me the creeps, because they are smart enough to possibly make their own choice regardless of their training) the likelihood that they keep the dolphins constantly armed is next to none. Not to mention that they had the same amount of warning as everyone else to secure their facilities. I'm pretty sure slipping the ole tranq dart harnesses off the dolphins was probably the first thing they did.
From: azdollarbill [Jim Jones]
Date: 26-Sep-2005 09:22
Somebody was wondering if they used cats as well. I don't know about cats, but I know that they use rats. They put a little camera on them, implant a chip into their brains so they can be controlled, strap some C4 onto them, & send them to whereever to take out whoever. Shit, maybe they do use dogs & cats as well. I have to be amused at what the authors of the article cite as their "proof". Government scientists examined the recovered dolphins, & so they make the jump that they were looking for their own dolphins. Did it ever occur to them that maybe they were just doing their jobs as Public Servants. Then again why were they interested? That does beg an answer doesn't it?
From: johncobb1972 [john]
Date: 26-Sep-2005 09:31
This fits right in with our new U.S. profile. Is there anything we Haven;t fucked up yet? Bush at his finest. I bet he didn't even know we had them. This country rocks.
From: retardskickass
[bon]
Date: 26-Sep-2005 09:47
Heinz Getwellvet. I am trainer of dolphins. You want to talk to de dolphin, you talk to me. Vat happened to him? Vat happened to me? Seven years I am mit Siegfried. Ve are making de dolphins disappear, und den Roy is coming mit de vite tiger und ze shtuffing in de pants und den I'm gone. Why do you care about de dolphin? Do you know him? Does he call you at home? Do you have a dorsal fin? To train ze dolphin you must zink like ze dolphin! You must be getting inside ze dolphin's head und communicating. I am saying to Snowflake, "Kay kay kay kay?" und he is saying "Kay kay" und he is up on ze tail "Eeeeeeeeee!" und you can quote him! *ptooey*
From: niggerusmaximus [N. Maximus]
Date: 26-Sep-2005 11:51
This is the most diabolical thing I've heard of since Dr. Evil's sharks with lasers.
From: gwb4ever [Jeb2008]
Date: 26-Sep-2005 12:31
Anyone that believes that story,I got some ocean front property in Arizona to sell ya.
From: dankbear420 [dank]
Date: 26-Sep-2005 13:35
it isnt april 1st is it? i mean like wtf?
From: thegreatfellatio [Taicho]
Date: 26-Sep-2005 14:48
The board seems sorta split on whether this is a total farce or completely logical and old hat, so I did some googling. [pbs.org] Seems they were used in 'nam and the Persian Gulf. Never trust a fish with lungs.
From: stingeykitty [Kitty]
Date: 26-Sep-2005 14:56
Does this remind anyone else of that episode of the simpsons where the Dolfins revolt?
From: tikitorch [liteitupfriend]
Date: 26-Sep-2005 15:49
O.K. , when are they going to play the Steelers? You know this is true! Don't you read Soldier of Fortune? Don't you watch Animal Planet? C'mon now, man! Remember all the James Bond movies with dolphins? How about that Sophia Loren movie with the dolphin? If you've ever had a chance to swim with them (I did off the Greek island of Zakanthos) you'd know they are quite capable of being used by the military. Dolphins, start practicing.........
From: banned [Gar]
Date: 26-Sep-2005 16:15
I still think of Hank Hill & the dolphin . And a question ..... What is the difference between a porpoise & a dolphin ..... I mean besides the taste ... ( JK )
From: wingedmonkeyminion [Satan Himself]
Date: 26-Sep-2005 16:22
I think the gummint did this on PORPOISE. HAH! I was the first to get that joke in, you bottle nosed freaks!! Oh, and keep yer hands off my noodly appendage. Ramen.
From: wulfgartheblack [Wulfgar the Black]
Date: 26-Sep-2005 16:51
*TALK TO THE WAR WHALE* We'll be OK cause they got all the killer dolphins hooked on smack - it's not like they could score from the corner junkie. Kind of the ultimate Pledge of Allegiance. See 'Burning Chrome' or 'Johny Mnemonic' ----------------------------------------------- Everything happens for a porpoise.
From: sirbutlust
[mike duff]
Date: 26-Sep-2005 16:51
i d be worried that the arab terrorists might attempt to catch these dolphins for there own terrible purposes. then i remembered there afraid of getting wet.
From: banned [Gar]
Date: 26-Sep-2005 16:55
If they keep using dolphins as soldiers , my great grand-kids may never know what they taste like. Won't somebody please think of the children .....
From: fuckthejews [NYC party]
Date: 26-Sep-2005 17:08
i d be worried that the arab terrorists might attempt to catch these dolphins for there own terrible porpoises. then i remembered there afraid of getting wet.
From: pearlhandle [billy cokebottle]
Date: 26-Sep-2005 17:14
tadpoles in alien sperm have been armed with toxic dart guns for eons, wot the problem with some oversized guppies getting a slice of the action
From: fnordprefect [Fnord Prefect]
Date: 26-Sep-2005 17:50
The only thing more amusing about that completely ludicrous and wholly fabricated crap-masquerading-as-"news" is the number of people who actually *believed* it. Get a grip, people, the Observer's taking the piss and your shoe is in the path of the stream.
From: onthatdust [trust me I'm a ninja]
Date: 26-Sep-2005 17:50
This was actually the inspiration for the blockbuster sequel 'Free Willy With A Vengeance' Now playing in a theatre near you
From: fuckthejews [NYC party]
Date: 26-Sep-2005 18:03
Fucking axis of "good" even have the dolphins declaring a Jihad against them.
From: nipples [Chris]
Date: 26-Sep-2005 19:08
He lived by the sea The dolphin boy And he loved the dolphins that swam so free The dolphin boy He was at one with the ocean The dolphins he loved with devotion And he could not hide his emotion The dolphin boy So he abandoned the land up above The dolphin boy So he could be with the mammals he loved The dolphin boy He was fulfilled in heart and mind He was at one with all dolphin kind And he knew god’s greater design Yes! The dolphin boy Then he was hit by a boat The dolphin boy He was torn wide open from groin to throat The dolphin boy He said to the dolphins, please help me. The dolphins said simply, e! e! e! And they nibbled the pieces as they drifted free Goodbye to dolphin boy So long to dolphin boy
From: beavis4000 [Who?]
Date: 26-Sep-2005 19:46
<< Can you just punch em in the mouth like Australian sharks?And I said I want sharks with friggin' laser beams on their head,not dolphins with toxic darts! >> A: Because they're trained in fin-to-fin combat! Killer dolphins have DOLLLLZ EYEZ! DOLLLLZ EYEZ roll in the back of their heads when they BITE!
From: letsbhonest [.]
Date: 26-Sep-2005 21:28
so combined with thier inteligence and procreational skills they can stun youre ass before they fuck you to death Ilove it and you know we probobaly desirve that shit!
From: simon [simon]
Date: 26-Sep-2005 22:22
this is obviously untrue. glad everyone is having a good time pretending it is just for the sake of humoring themselves. cheers!
From: barghest [buck fush]
Date: 26-Sep-2005 22:23
I judt want to take this opportunity to say FUCK YOU to everyone who ever said Aquaman's powers were lame. Don't fuck with the man with the worldwide network of thugged-out dolphin posses!
From: uppitynegro
[Uppity Negro]
Date: 26-Sep-2005 22:24
So ... within the first few words is the proof. Proof that many, media - readers - government types, missed the point. The US government is utilizing creatures with the common sense of a load of wood. Those creatures are the government humans. ... "Divers and surfers risk attack, they claim, from a species considered to be among the planet's smartest." ... but not smart enough to instantly perform a shoot-don't-shoot decision tree as well as conscientious humans. Now, the quesion is which government humans are the ones who knowingly utilize, or direct, dumbshit creatures who don't know not to brandish loaded weapons? That's the proof. The risk is not from dolphins - it's from dumbshit asshole motherfuckers in the government. Are those government humans a lower form of life than the dolphins? Yes! (Lower than the shit from said cetaceans as well.) The humans made a choice between right and wrong. Make the human mangers suffer the wrath of speargun armed divers. Line 'em up and teach 'em a lesson, I say. Uppity.
From: capsulecorpjx [Eat at Chang's]
Date: 26-Sep-2005 23:29
The government can't be this stupid. They just can't.
From: itami00 [Itami Ozanare]
Date: 26-Sep-2005 23:51
Here's a question, how do dolphins fire guns when they lack fingers and toes?
From: blahblahblah [glkjfdgdflkj]
Date: 26-Sep-2005 23:59
I'll believe this when I see it on other news sources.. something like this can't be ignored by the media, so until then, I say "bull"
From: bongcraft [meh]
Date: 27-Sep-2005 00:14
this is fucking ridiculous. it's funny, but it's gotta be fake. From: lollercaust [Lollercaust] Date: 26-Sep-2005 07:17 Well there were military dolphins on Red Alert 2, so it Must be true i had a lollercaust reading that shit. I wonder if they trained the dolphins to shoot down giant soviet zeppelins?
From: mljohns00 [Radical Conservative]
Date: 27-Sep-2005 00:21
I knew we should have put a self-destruct device on those dolphins.
From: mljohns00 [Radical Conservative]
Date: 27-Sep-2005 00:24
Gee, the article mentions that dolphins detected mines near an Iraqi harbor. I wonder how that worked out for the dolphins?
From: trawlingnet [mike]
Date: 27-Sep-2005 00:35
Animals have been used in warfare before. In WW2 the russians trained dogs to crawl under tanks. Then they strapped bombs with detonators on them and let them loose at the german tanks in Stallingrad. The germans thought it more important to shoot the dogs then the russians... The brits tied inciendry bombs to bats and dropped them over German towns. That didnt works cause they dropped them from so high up that they froze and came down like little rocks. My favourite was the plague rats released by the japs into Chinese villages. Death by plague. Real nice.
From: sideshow [213]
Date: 27-Sep-2005 02:16
spongebob better totally watch his stupid ass. and those damn sharks too. noone fucks with flipper and i mean noone
From: becky20 [rebecca]
Date: 27-Sep-2005 12:41
if this is true its definitely cool...ive heard of dolphins and seals being trained to do underwater shit like this before
From: hootus [littlejohn]
Date: 27-Sep-2005 23:02
For all the unbelievers, yes, it is somewhat true... I don't know about darts and .45's, but I have a photo of a military dolphin jumping with a camera strapped to it, and yes, they have been used in mine seeking and demolition. Hell, they have toyed with psychics, why not dolphins ?? Believe it, and think about it for a while... Maybe it'll spark some synapses. I didn't have a trip planned, but I wont be diving in the gulf any time soon...
Updated: 3-Oct-2005 01:21
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