i was born in the desert to 3 mothers, 49 sisters and 72 uncles. i was raised in a closet where they fed me live chickens and forced me to practice the tuba without a mouthpiece. i escaped by bribing the milkman and running through the screen door. i played shoeshine boys in no less than 37 dinner theater productions, and i'm still workin at it. my hands are so calloused i can use em as a fish hook cushions. i can drink a pint of gravy in less than 2 seconds. i'm a man but i wear hats from the nigel rayment collection from time to time. i'm too proud to beg and too forgetful to steal. i can doggy paddle stronger than 3 children combined.